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Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Dear Abby

After listening to break-room talk today, I decided to come home and compose a letter to Dear Abby that may have come from any one of the conversations that I witnessed.  This is in no way to be a reflection on my marriage.  I have trained my husband much better than this.  Enjoy the read and have a best day!

Dear Abby,

Today is the day I have chosen to finally sit down to write you a letter.  I have been married to Jack Ass, (his real name) far too long.  When we met he was a perfect gentleman.  He always opened the car door for me and waited on me to be settled before closing it.  I in turn would reach across the seat to unlock his door and open it for him as a sign of returning my love.  When we would sit down at the dinner table we would hold hands and gaze lovingly at each other, sometimes forgetting why we were there.  It was bliss, I tell you, pure bliss. 

We have been married for one year now and suddenly that has all changed.  Oh yeah, he still opens and closes the doors but not necessarily for me.  He now opens the door before me and closes it on me; and usually before I’m in the car.  At dinner time he resembles a vulture swooping in to grab up road kill before he flies off to selfishly devour his rotten catch. He eats so fast that when he finally goes to sleep, he grinds his teeth because his jaw is still trying to catch up.  That’s another thing!  His teeth!  You never start the flossin’ while you’re sittin’ at the table, there’ll be time enough for flossin’ when the eatin’ is done! I was paraphrasing some gambling song.  Gambling is what I did when I married this chump, I guess. 

Anyway, when I married, Jack, (his real name) I said that I would stay with him in sickness, health, poverty, wealth and until death would part us.  I plan on keeping that commitment.  I am not asking you to advise me on how to make my marriage better.  I am simply asking that you would advise “Jack” on how to protect himself.  Although I am committed to staying with him until death, it is quite possible that if he doesn’t find the gentleman within, he may suddenly meet the end of that commitment.  I’m just sayin’. 


Homicidal Honey

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